A Look in the Mirror

Today, I took a look at myself in the mirror. A very deep look. I took a look and I saw, for the first time in a long time, a little boy. Sure, determined, and immovable, yes, but ignorant, petrified, and brittle. 

I saw the boy who grew up with a tribe of cousins, and got constantly picked on for being the youngest. (You know how family is!) I saw the bubbles in the water, the bubbles I’d blow from not being able to breathe underneath my cousin’s body. I’d be set free, or luckily escape and jet to the other side of the pool into my mother’s arms. She always had my back.

I looked into my eyes and saw the little boy who once was: lonely, broken, desperate, and completely helpless.

I also saw the boy who was brought up in disappointment, impatiently waiting by the front door for his father to show, grinning from ear to ear with anticipation, longing to be loved, dying for that girl to want me, hoping  she’d be true to her expressed need of me, clinging to the hope that one day this one will fall for me and not my friend…or not the other guy.

It’s never happened. That’s why I’m so scared. I’ve never been the one to be valued. Cared for. I’ve been abandoned by my father, wounded by the role my mother (in all her splendor) couldn’t fulfill, used by girls for my emotional presence, and deeply, deeply hurt.

So now I sit here. Doting over this girl’s beauty. Growing closer and closer to love with each conversation. Too afraid to make my feelings known. Too afraid to watch her, like all the others, reject me and get swept into the arms of another man.

I’m not always like this, but right now I’m insecure. That little boy has always wondered where the love will come from. The one that satisfies…naturally. The one that people are willfully bound by. The one we were ordained to experience due to the dissatisfaction of God himself.

I wonder if she will notice me. Love me, even. Maybe ask about my life. Care who I am. I wonder if I’ll ever be significant to her. Yes, in THAT way. Will my name ever cross her mind at night? Will I ever be happy in relationship? Will the weight of this boulder on my chest ever be lifted?

Time is so short.

Just knew I’d come across the one to be

The truth in my life, the one who’d die for me

And I found a few who were like that, see

But nothing is what it’s perceived to be

Cause they’re in the same exact place as me

We don’t know which way to go because we’re trying to be

The happy, solo refugees

Who’d succeed without the push of a third party

But life just hasn’t been that easy you see

I’m running out of ideas so can you rescue me?

“Rescue Me” – Christian Sanders

I’m looking out of the window, staring at the palm trees, hoping one day I might come to be so content; yet, so admired by the girl I’d move mountains for.

“‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” ~ Ephesians 5:31-32