Finding Hope

Lesson: Learning through the process of finding my hope in God

I have a huge problem. Life has taken its toll on me. I’ve lost the fight so bad that even when I’m giving my absolute all, it looks as though I’m not even fighting.

I’ve begged and begged for help. Yet I’ve been strapped to sin, addiction, depression, and loneliness for years now as my life continually crumbles despite all my positive efforts. I always believe God is good, but I don’t always see him as good which means by hope is not always in him. Finding hope in God is a process with many elements outside of our control.

Friends haven’t been consistent enough to help me. Church members are too caught up in the idea of a church’s vision in light of the organization and its established structures as opposed to growing to engage in the fluidity of life. My doctor said I need a girlfriend. Looking at my mother, I’ve seen that a real woman changes a real man’s life. Yet, every woman I’ve even remotely pursued has been completely unloving and addicted to boys who will never become real men. And despite every prayer and effort, I’m alone. Because frequent accountability is too inconvenient.

Finding Hope in Church

This is not meant to be an attack on my church or any other church, but it is just revealing some tainted methodologies that I’ve noticed in numerous Christian churches, and it has definitely affected me in some way.

Most churches, especially megachurches (any church reaching 2,000+ people during weekly services), have some form of in-home small groups implemented into their DNA as a means to engage in relationships with the many people who may come to church on any given weekend. This is how most churches have decided to care for people on a micro-level, and bluntly put, I believe this fad has become a cop-out for putting forth the gruesome effort it takes for the church to be the one to reach out and care for those who approach its doors on weekends. As harsh as this sounds, it is coming from a place of sincere love for people and God’s church.

To elaborate, I’ve found myself in the same place most Americans find themselves in. With such a morally declining society and such growing political pressure to be self-sufficient in an economy that provides little resources to make its demand a reality, I have become busy surviving. Not exusively busy, but nonetheless unable to meet the church’s requirements for love and ongoing care given my 3 jobs, 18 school units, and 15 hours a week I already give volunteering to further the church’s mission.

If, in order to be loved and cared for, I have to try even harder, and I have to desperately search for more time to carve out of my busy schedule that already gives me zero time to rest just so I can set up a convenient time to be loved, then I want nothing you have to offer. If you cannot raise up people who live beyond themselves outside of their weekly “love-meetings,” then why should I waste my time taking time away from work, losing money I already don’t have, to present myself with a confined time to be cared for? It breeds false love and cliques, and it leaves unavailable people to fend for themselves in a world that consistently makes every effort to tear them apart.

Finding Hope in People

I have some good friends, most of whom love God and love me but simply don’t live balanced enough to make accountability consistent. Most people in the world who are open to helping others expect a person who is searching for answers to somehow have the very answers they’re trying to find. If you need help, know what you need and find it. We don’t realize that the reason this world is in such disarray is because that idea doesn’t work. But we cruise by because diagnosis maybe gets too personal and definitely takes too much time away from our own struggles. Plus, confrontation is awkward, so comfortability must become a suitable replacement for love.

I’ve done counseling at multiple points in my life as well. At one point it was beneficial, but I personally don’t need another uplifting meeting on my weekly schedule. I’ve done a lot on my own, and I’ve never asked for much, but at this point in my growth, I need daily accountability. I used to have an amazing counselor, and once he decided to take another job, he gave me his personal cell phone number, and said to let him know if I ever need anything. I’ve come to despise that general, meaningless blanket-statement. I’ve realized that’s exactly what people say when they’re communicating that a conversation is over, and they refuse to help. I did use that number at some point, and just like every other number I’ve ever called or texted for help, I was ignored.

The next counselor I had was terrible at his job, and did not care. I remember explaining my life story during our first meeting, and I explained all the difficulties I was facing at the time. Speechless, he said, “Wow, that’s really hard” (as if I need a counselor to tell me how hard my life is). Then he glanced at the clock, and his face dropped as if to say, Crap! We still have over half an hour left. Needless to say, I left and never came back!

Finding Hope in Relationship

Let’s be real. Most men who settle down do so because they actually value belonging; edification to the point of wholeness; and purpose as opposed to fruitless temporal satisfaction, and they’ve found a woman whose love outweighs the chase; the thrill of wild living; or the emptiness of self-sustainment.

I desire a godly relationship for those purposes and to live out an image that parallels the relationship Christ established with his church. If Paul said in Ephesians 5 that a husband is meant to love his wife like Christ loves the church and a wife is to submit to her husband “as unto the Lord,” then a godly relationship pushes a man to be more like God in love and leadership, and it pushes a woman to provide an example of humble servanthood to the Lord. Humanity was made to love, but men usually love wrong. Humanity was made to submit to God’s lordship (authority and love), but women usually submit wrongly.

So when a husband and wife live out these ideas with the preceeding caveat to “submit themselves one to another,” (Ephesians 5:21) they help one another and the world live for God more truly. A man’s love for his wife helps a woman learn to submit to God, and a woman’s submission to her husband helps a man learn to love like God; therefore, marriage serves an eternal purpose. (This also indicates why there is no marriage in heaven because we will already be like God.)

This is a great ideal that I long for, but my discouragement comes from seeing men constantly being put down for being dogs, while most women choose to make themselves solely available to predators. I can spot it from a mile away. Every time. One glimpse at a guy, and I know what he’s about. Yet every woman I know has chosen to give themselves to this kind of guy, and when he reveals his lack of character, discipline, and love, she lumps him in the category of “all men” as if to say I’m just like him.

What makes it difficult to find hope is that this is an issue I’ve yet to see many women act beyond. Every woman in my family and every female friend has done the same thing, and at times it does make me feel hopeless. Do men like me (flawed but sincerely loving) ever find love?

Finding Hope in God

If you’re a Christian, I know what you’ve been thinking as you read through the headings of this post: This is why we should find our hope in God. Though this part is about that very thing, it will hopefully serve to dispel the typical notion of finding hope in God.

When most people say to find your hope in God, without knowing, they really mean to find your hope in yourself. They give a list of helpful tasks that seem to preclude turning to church, sin, relationships, or other people as a root means of gaining hope. Read your Bible, pray to God, go on a fast, meditate, and do anything else that’s spiritual.

What makes this idea so inherently flawed is that it relies on the strength of an already weak individual. My sister is in a very toxic relationship. I’ve realized that until there is some form of drastic intervention, she will not have some fairytale epiphany and do what she already knows is right. Because she’s weak. I applaud my mom as the strongest, most beautiful woman I have ever known who managed to put her love for her children above my horrible father; however, I now realize the weight intervention had on that situation as my family (who can be very intimidating and not take no for an answer) nearly demanded that she leave North Carolina and return to her family in California. Because she was weak.

In the same way, my situation cannot be overcome by trying harder to become more spiritual. Pride aside (but in honesty), I know my Bible better than most people my age, I pray more than most people, I’ve fasted more than most people, I serve God’s church more than most people; the problem is that, like Paul said about all of his great spiritual accomplishments, they don’t provide meaning. They are supposed to be an avenue to the source of meaning, but they were never supposed to be sufficient in and of themselves.

It baffles me that, rather than inconveniencing ourselves to be at a loss for the sake of assisting in another person’s gain, we selfishly present them with more and more weapons to fight an ever-growing army. One soldier, even with all the weapons in the world, will not stand a chance when drastically outnumbered by his enemy. Instead of telling that person who’s being attacked to become stronger in order to face the army, why wouldn’t we desert our camp to fight with and for them? They don’t need bigger muscle; they need a bigger army.

In light of this, finding hope in God means utilizing these things — friends, family, romantic relationships, church, etc. — as an avenue to God, the source of hope. It does not mean to increase your introspective outlook on God. That may get you far — it lasted 20 years for me — but you will eventually crash into a wall wondering why you are where you are after having given your all to the cause of Christ, and it may take years to be able to answer that question. The Apostle Paul’s hope was not based solely on his own inward thought processes and what we’d call his “personal walk with God.” In Philippians, Paul wrote to the church saying they forgot him when he went to prison, but he was grateful and joyous because they remembered him. Their presence and their giving during his difficult time when every other church neglected him helped him to see God as a supplier (Philippians 4:10-20). Who are you present for? And who might be convinced that you’re not thinking about them?

The Hope and the Lesson

If you think I’m an idealist, I’d agree. In order for this to work, we don’t need people who see a distinction between their life and yours, thus allowing them to be around for encouragement from time to time. No. Instead, we need people who see their God-given life as integrally tied to each person they encounter, thus requiring that they sacrifice hugely to aid in the fights of others. Paul was amazed because even when he left Philippi, the Philippian church was in his corner without him asking a single thing.

That’s the part that I lack. Most my life I’ve dealt with problems on my own, which made me easy to deal with. Now that I have consistent needs, I don’t know anyone who’s shown themselves willing to tie their lives to my own and include me in their daily busyness in the way I’ve done for countless others. My friends are just as busy as I am. My church is busy expanding its own reach. A woman would provide a more inclusive element to life (because romantic relationships are preparation to do life together “full time”), but there is no one. And in a country that values individualism and self-sufficiency above all else, “needy” is a repulsive thing to be. Maybe because no one knows how needy they actually are, given their dressed up pity.

Despite me not having reached any adequate conclusion, I thank God for these life-lessons that have brought about years of misery, pain, loss, rejection, and loneliness. It has shown me what kind of leader God wants me to be in order to influence this world and his church to become more like Christ, and I value that calling far more than my own comfort.