A Response to Tension

Lesson: Learning to see goodness in the no

God is bigger. Period. If I had all the answers, he’d still be bigger. But I don’t, and I must recognize that he’s bigger than the answers that I don’t have.

Under My Rule

If I could be the god of my own journey and control the route that leads to the calling that’s been clear for so long, I’d experience ease. For the first time in my life. I’d experience a release. A release of tension. And while I believe I’ve been refined under immense pressure, the beauty of my testimony is that God is calling me not to be released from the tension, not to finally live a weight-free life, but to carry my cross through the journey. To carry my cross to the ones God has died to express his love to. To carry my cross into various spaces of ministry in hopes of one day saying, like Paul, “I have fought the good fight, and I have finished my race.” Like my mom did.

Under God’s Rule

Life may never be easy. But if the blood on my cross might lead someone to find rest in the blood that spilled on his, then I would be honored to join my mother in heaven knowing I’d fought this fight well, and I’d empowered someone to continue the work. The beautiful work. Grueling, yes; but beautiful indeed.

Just for me
Many doors you’ve closed
Just for me
Sometimes you will say no
So I’ll be
Tested in your fire
To purify my desires
So my blessings won’t be
Just for me
So caught up in myself
I couldn’t see
The world did not revolve around me
So storms are in your will
So I can feel what others feel
Their needs, if I could speak honestly

It don’t feel good
But growing never does
It don’t seem fair
For you to call this love
But if necessary pain
Is the ingredient for change
Even when life may be bittersweet
It’s working…Just for me

“Just For Me” by Kirk Franklin

Meaning Over Happiness

The truth is… I’m not the god of my journey. That might sound like some super holy, Christianly, “spiritually mature” thing to say, but let me be candidly honest: That truth doesn’t relieve me or make me proud. But it satisfies my hunger to live a meaningful life more than happiness ever could.

Thank you God for telling me no even when it hurts you. And thank you for valuing my desperate plea to bring change to this world more than you value my cry for ease. Sometimes telling me no is what makes you good. And thank you for being good.