My Ugly Psalm: Truly Unapologetically Me

Lesson: Learning to Bare it All

Let’s Get Real

God, I don’t want to be here — the place where my feelings and my knowledge conflict. Sometimes I feel like you hate me. I’ve always been fatherless, but I never realized how spiritually fatherless I feel. And if every good and perfect gift comes from a loving father who takes pleasure in giving to those who ask, I feel destined to go without forever … without connection, without mutual attraction, without knowing the feeling of being sought after, without being known, without being deeply cared for, without friendship, without companionship, without love — all the things that really matter.

I hate my life. I have for a long time. And I’ve felt like the biggest ingrate saying that because you’ve blessed me with some of my greatest desires — a job that I thoroughly enjoy and find meaning in and an overall, abundant sense of purpose. But then I realized that those “greatest desires” have very little to do with me. They’re all about other people. I pour my life out for people every day because that’s what I’ve wanted since I was a 3-year-old kid running from children’s church joyously exclaiming my desire to be a pastor. 

I’ve ignorantly and naively made the claim that I would choose this selfless pursuit no matter what … whether I feel blessed or cursed. Before you say that’s stupid, I have to say that it’s true. I’ve hated my life for most of my life. I’ve battled with depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve even been suicidal in my past. (Don’t sound the alarm. This was well over a decade ago.) 

This life has felt like a curse to me, and the truth is, despite these things, I’ve persisted. I’ve persisted in living out my calling because I believe it’s greater than me, I believe people are important, and I desperately want people to know and experience the love of God … even if I don’t feel that love. It sucks to be one of the vessels God uses to make people feel a love that you can only know cognitively but can’t feel.

The question isn’t will I persist; the question is will I be well as I do? 

The Presence of God Versus The Presence of People

I find that in conversations like this, Christians love to say stupid things. Things like “you’re not alone.” Just because other people have experienced similar pain doesn’t mean you’re not alone. Things like “Just turn to Jesus.” Now before you write me off as a heretic for categorizing this as a stupid statement, hear me out, and try to contextually categorize life and scripture in the same bowl with an open mind (in direct opposition to a mind that has it all figured out), and see if the meaning of the promise of God’s presence shifts things at all.

In scripture, whenever the promise of God being present with us is mentioned, it seems to infer a sense of strength, a sense of empowerment, an equipping for a daunting calling or task, the ability to be strong, to be obedient, to be effective, and to endure. 

This is a generality, but if you don’t believe me, explore. (Exodus 3:9-12, Joshua 1:6-9, Isaiah 41:10, Isaiah 43:1-2, Genesis 28:13-22, the pinnacle Matthew 28:20, and tons more)

Now I’ve felt God’s presence greatly. My relationship with him and the undeserved intimacy he has with me allows me to pursue my calling with vigor. But none of this points to a satisfaction that replaces the need for human connection. In fact, God was the one who saw an issue with a lack of human connection. 

After creating the world, the seas, animals, humanity, etc., he kept saying how good his creation was. Then, he does a double-take: It’s NOT good that mankind should be alone (Genesis 2:18). Notice, he didn’t say “feel alone”; he said “be alone”. That is to say that he considered Adam, who had direct PHYSICAL AND VISUAL access to God, to be alone, and he didn’t see his presence as a viable replacement for what he desired and decided would actually be good — human companionship. 

God works primarily through people. Does he have to? No. But he chooses to. Even in Exodus 3:8, God uses the words verbatim, “I have come down to rescue…” Yet, right after that statement, he declares his grand plan for rescue: Command Moses. 

What’s my point? If you aren’t deeply and intimately connected with people, you will miss out on experiencing the fullness of God because he chooses to express the various aspects of his character — the aspects he promises to provide to us — through people. He never said his presence will bring an ultimate fulfillment that devoids a person of their need for the presence of people. So here’s the bold statement: A rich relationship with Jesus won’t solve loneliness. Why? Not because he doesn’t hold the cure, but because he made a decision in the garden long ago to wire us to need one another.

They say that life is a blessing

Well I can’t think of a greater curse

Rock bottom ain’t rock bottom

I learned it can always get worse

They told me I’m loved as they left

They never come ‘round here, and it hurts

But somehow I should find joy

And manage to throw all this pain in the dirt

Sorrow’s sinking soldiers

I’m not weak; I been through the worst

I do believe in love

But everybody wants lust first

If I can’t have the real thing

I’ll take the fake stuff if it works

Live for the moment

I’d kill to breathe an hour without this thirst 

“Abesent Love” by Christian Sanders

Unapologetically Me

I didn’t want to write this. I don’t like being publicly vulnerable, and I don’t like to look weak. I also come from a culture where vocational ministry means you have to appear pristine, and this post makes me look anything but pristine, and it likely makes me look unfit for the role I currently possess and the role I plan to hold in the future. 

But this is Unapologetically Christian: flawed and faith-filled. (A play on my name and my belief … If you haven’t picked up on that, it’s ok, I used to be slow too.) People always see the faith-filled me, but I want people to see the flawed me. No, that’s actually not true at all. I just want people to see me. But I NEED people to see the flawed, broken me (no matter how much I hate it).

The truth is, I don’t feel connection. I’ve always struggled to find that, and it eats me alive. I’ve sought after people, and I haven’t felt sought after in return. As introverted as I can be, I’m human and desire to be known. The one person who saw me as so worth knowing and loving that she’d put in sincere effort to understand all my unique intricacies (and even want to be around me just because) was my mom, and she’s gone. Forever. As I mentioned in my previous post, while losing my mother, I also lost the people closest to me. And once again, I find myself giving to people what I don’t have for myself. Seeing how much it means to them and wishing I could experience that joy. 

I’m far from perfect. Hopefully that’s obvious by now. But I choose to be perceptive, and I choose to seek after people because that’s been the greatest void in my life, and I don’t want anyone else to experience that level of heartbreak. 

In Closing

I’ll end with a “life-passage” of mine. A scripture God challenged me to utilize to reshape my life, and I’ve been quoting it for years now. Knowing he would die soon, Peter made a desperate plea for the church to remember to supplement 7 things to their lives. 7 things that he said would prevent you from ever falling. 7 things that would change the course of all humanity. 7 things that would lead to you really knowing Jesus. 7 things that would equip you to handle all of life. 7 things that the church has sadly forgotten. 

I want you to notice one thing: Peter makes a clear distinction between affection and love, and he puts affection before love. I suggest that this might be because no one knows how much you love them until you learn to show them affection in a way they understand. To put it bluntly, your love means nothing until you learn to be affectionate toward those you love.

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your (1) faith with goodness, (2) goodness with knowledge, (3) knowledge with self-control, (4) self-control with endurance, (5) endurance with godliness, (6) godliness with brotherly affection, and (7) brotherly affection with love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being useless or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. The person who lacks these things is blind and shortsighted and has forgotten the cleansing from his past sins. Therefore, brothers and sisters, make every effort to confirm your calling and election, because if you do these things you will never stumble. For in this way, entry into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be richly provided for you. 

- 2 Peter 1:5-11 CSB