Growth Hurts

Lesson: Learning to Expressively Value Myself When Others Don’t

Let’s start with a spoken word piece. I’ve used this piece in a recent post, but it continues to be relevant, so here it is:

They say that life is a blessing

Well I can’t think of a greater curse

Rock bottom ain’t rock bottom

I learned it can always get worse

They told me I’m loved as they left

They never come ‘round here and it hurts

But somehow I should find joy

And manage to throw all this pain in the dirt

Sorrow’s sinking soldiers

I’m not weak, I been through the worst

I do believe in love

But they all want lust first

So if I can’t have the real thing

I’ll take the fake stuff if it works

Live for the moment

I’d kill to breathe an hour without this thirst 

“ABESENT LOVE” BY CHRISTIAN SANDERS

Imagine, Question, and Grow

I wrote this piece, that I eventually titled “Absent Love”, a few months before my mom passed. It was a very lonely time. Once it got close to the end, I had a few people checking in on me here and there, but I didn’t have anyone to do life with. Anyone who cared to spend time with me and just breathe. 

Imagine carrying your mom, the one who once carried you, upstairs as she loses her ability to walk. Imagine her incoherent after watching her seize unexpectedly. Imagine her returning to herself but being too tired to speak. Imagine spoon-feeding her because she’s grown weak. Imagine holding her until she grows stiff and cold. Now imagine all this without having a friend to shoot you a text, maybe knock on your door, and sit in the pain with you. 

That was my life then, and it continues to be my life now. Plenty of people say they care, but they won’t get in the trenches with me. It’s too inconvenient. It costs something. 

Friendship costs. LOVE costs. No matter what kind of love it is. It costs. Ask a brutally beaten Jesus covered in blood with holes in his hands. Love costs. And if there’s someone you see regularly, and you haven’t, like Paul said (1 Cor. 9:19-23), determined what you need to be for the sake of loving and caring for them, then I dare you to be secure enough and bold enough to question your Christianity and grow.

Good Morning

Yesterday morning, I woke up to a text that signified that one area of my life is about to get much more difficult. It’s the one area I get to enjoy. It was the closing of the door to a potential friendship, which is fine because friendship should always be a choice. What was painful, however, was having to add another name to the list of people who have called me friend but refused to actually be one.

A Heart-Wrenching Decision

Today, I had to make a very difficult decision in light of that message I’d received. In the same message that closed the door to friendship, I was asked to follow through with a favor. My initial answer weeks prior was an emphatic ‘Yes! Of course!’ I love to help people, and I’d do anything to help someone get ahead, to express love in action, to be present for someone. That gives me life. However, that last message left me feeling very uncomfortable. To say verbatim “Don’t message me,” and in the same breath voice an expectation for me to sacrifice my time and effort felt like a huge slap in the face. But I’m naturally a helper. I get it from my mom. I’ve watched her bend over backwards for countless people while receiving nothing in return, and I aim to be like her in such a noble fashion. 

But I found myself conflicted. I genuinely want to help. But I feel taken advantage of. Is it wrong if I say no? But I’m a man of my word. My word is my bond. But I feel spat on like I don’t matter. But I DO matter. I matter to me. And although it will make me look like the villain, it’s only right to communicate to everyone that I believe I have worth … more worth than this person ascribed to me. 

So I had to send a message, and this person will never know how difficult it was for me to send:

“Honestly, I’m learning to draw lines at the things that devalue me and communicate that I don’t have worth beyond what I can do for people. Whether intentional or not, what you’re asking of me does just that. It communicates that I only matter when you need me.

Essentially saying you want nothing to do with me, but you still need me for something that benefits you makes me feel used. So out of self-respect, I can’t allow myself to be used in that manner.”

Of course, it was seen as a passive aggressive attempt at sabotage and pure bitterness. And that bothers me because that’s not my heart. But I now realize that although I feel very secure and confident in my self-worth, I’ve never actually communicated that self-worth to people. 

A professor I highly respect taught me years ago something that I’ll never forget, “Whether you’re speaking or not, you’re always communicating something.”

The First Step

I believe that in my past, as I’ve allowed myself to be either mistreated, ignored, taken advantage of or all of the above — and as I’ve come through for those who made me feel less than — I have communicated that I’m not worthy of people’s presence, intentional care, and respect. Today, I chose to combat that idea and communicate something different, and I still feel guilty for it. 

It broke my heart to send that message because when I care, I care deeply. I believe in putting others first. That’s how Jesus lived. But there are also plenty of examples of Jesus still choosing to care for and value himself because he knew his worth. 

That’s what I’m learning. I know I have worth. God demonstrated that on the cross. But I’m learning to live like it, and right now that has me feeling guilty. But this is the first step.