The Night I Gave Up

Why, God? As if my life isn’t hard enough. I already struggle to do well in my day-to-day life, but when I’m finally able to get a clear head on my shoulders and approach life with a determination to succeed, then everything has to go wrong in ways far worse than they normally do. I’m sick of this.
I already know I need you! Why do you seem to have my back once I fall 50 feet under water but leave me stranded when I’m in the sinking boat? It doesn’t make sense to me. Although it enables me to survive, it makes it nearly impossible to change.

At times I wonder if you love me. Like, if you really love me. Like if this is your response to a friend, then what does it feel like to be your enemy? God, I can’t deal.

Other times I wonder why you didn’t smite me for thinking this. You do so much. You love so hard. I’m so inconsistent.

God, I need you to help me maintain my character. I have a debilitating mental limitation that, when aided by my own emotional defeat, paralyzes and overwhelms and presents itself as a wall–a blockade. I’m stricken with fear and anger. Hopeless for the day. Fed up. A bundle of fury dying to explode. An ever-fighting warrior. Pure infantry. Broken. Constantly defeated. A prisoner to my failures.

My God, what is this? Is this love? Is this the hope of my salvation? The hope to claim the victory of heaven upon snatching my final breath of failure with the last morsel of strength in my bones? The hope to be clobbered in battle and somehow win the war?

God, the walls. The limitations. I know. I know the God who tears down walls with a single praise. But if I said that gave me hope I’d be a liar.

No. No, it’s not enough. No I’m not strengthened. No I don’t have power. I don’t even have faith. God, I can’t do this all the time. I know you don’t give us more than we can handle. But right now this is too much. It’s been far too long. Too many years of fighting. Without a break. Different wars. The same wars. Too many wars. I’m losing my sanity. If I haven’t already lost it. God, I can’t. I just can’t. I don’t have what it takes. Not this time. Not to keep going. Not another mile. Not another lap. Not another step. Today, I give up.